A tragedy…of sorts…struck on New Year’s Day in Lexington, Kentucky, when a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck caught fire and, along with its cargo, was totally destroyed. The LPD posted several hilarious photos of its officers crying theatrically in front of the charred vehicle, and condolences soon poured in from police across the country. “We feel your loss,” said one. “We donut know what else to say.” (Uh…that’s enough.)

Braxton Moral, 16, will soon get his high-school diploma in Ulysses, Kansas, and his Bachelor’s degree in Cambridge, Massachusetts, from Harvard, both of which he earned simultaneously. According to his understandably proud father Carlos, he is the only person to have successfully accomplish the feat. Braxton plans to study law (assuming he can get into a good school).

Family first: Hal Vaughn was obviously disappointed to learn that his daughter, Pierce, a flight attendant for Delta, was scheduled to work on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. So he packed up and joined her on each of her flights, and they crisscrossed the country in each other’s good company. (Carpe diem.)

Weapon of choice: Rogelio Tapia, 26, had to be forcibly subdued following an incident early New Year’s Day in a Des Moines, Iowa, convenience store during which he allegedly did $1,000 worth of damage and assaulted an employee with a banana. According to a KCCI radio report, the victim suffered no serious injuries. (That’s usually the case with banana assaults.)

A pair of burglars, Richard Nippell and Camri Cantwell, were recently caught red-handed and arrested when, having transferred computer equipment, jewelry and credit cards to their truck, they stayed on in the Uniontown, Ohio, house to wash their clothes, take showers and brew a pot of coffee. (Making themselves right at home.)

And Robby Spillman came home from Christmas shopping in Santa Monica., California, last month and found two burglars, Markis White, 19, and Elijah Smart, 29, in his kitchen cooking dinner for themselves. Spillman, an apparently persuasive fellow, told KNBC-TV that he agreed to let them “hang out” while he walked his dog, and called 911. (Next hang out: jail.)

And Derek Tarbox, 35, allegedly broke into a home in Waterboro last Sunday, took a shower, donned the owner’s clothes and was watching TV when the latter came home. Tarbox reportedly explained that he thought he was in the house of a friend. It was only after the homeowner returned from giving Tarbox a ride to a house in Hollis that he realized his home had been ransacked. (Trust…but verify.)

A passerby recently heard a commotion coming from a house in Wanneroo, a town just north of Perth, Australia, and when a man repeatedly yelled the words “Why won’t you die?” while a toddler screamed, he called the police emergency number. Multiple police units responded and descended on the house, only to find a man, presumably arachnophobic, trying to kill a spider. From the police log: “No injuries sighted (except to spider).”

And a SWAT team was dispatched last week to the Ft. Worth, Texas, home of Gary Lykins, 44, after neighbors reported hearing gunshots. Officers arrested him, but may have to reach a bit for charges; Lykins had used his pistol to shoot his wife’s laptop. (There’s obviously more to this story, but we’ve heard enough.)

Alan Naiman was well known in his Seattle neighborhood for his frugality; he reinforced his worn shoes with duct tape, negotiated deals on aging food at a deli and was thrilled when he qualified for senior discounts. Acquaintances were therefore surprised after he died last January and bequeathed $11 million to several charities devoted to helping the poor, sick, disabled and abandoned – especially children. (It’s what’s in a person’s heart that counts.)

Remember – it’s not so much with whom you stand, but to whom you kneel. JEC